Constructing the Perfect Iditarod Dog Roster
The Winter Olympics may have just recently concluded, but the most important sporting event of the winter is right around the corner: The Iditarod. Nothing represents the spirit of competition more than teams arduously racing over a week across a thousand miles of Alaskan wilderness. Also, there’s a dozen dogs per team! What gets better than that?
For many, achieving an Iditarod victory would take years of practice and training to properly prepare the pups for the grueling experience. However, for this blogger, who believes like any overinvested sports fan that they possess the ability to run a sports team better than most active general managers can, it took one hour to assemble the perfect Iditarod team. While I’d love for the team to consist of my four-legged friends in real life, that would quickly turn into a trainwreck (or sledwreck, I guess) as they’d want to play with each other and would immediately try to beg for food from anyone in the crowd. In order for the ideal Iditarod team to succeed, it must maintain a strong balance of skills, chemistry, and the most crucial element: be comprised of fictional characters from a diverse array of media.
Guidelines:
Despite lacking any relevant experience, I will be the musher of this twelve-dog team.
No huskies or Malamutes. This would be lame and generate less of a roster construction challenge for myself, so no Balto, no dogs from that one Paul Walker Antarctica movie, and no dogs from Snow Dogs (Review potentially coming soon!).
While some team members can be labeled as weapons of mass destruction, I’m going to avoid building some giant war machine with a plan of just literally slaughtering all of its competition. Where’s the fun in that? Plus, we’d likely be disqualified, so not the best idea.
To help better understand why a certain dog was chosen, I’ll provide brief analysis and a professional athlete comparison for each choice.
In order to follow standard Iditarod protocol, I’ll be positioning the dogs into four distinct roles. I found these official roles through a 2008 Iditarod blog from the perspective of a dog named Gypsy as she updated schoolchildren on her upcoming race preparations.
Lead Dogs (2): The fast dogs in front paving the way to our glory
Swing Dogs(4): Not only are they fans of Big Band music, but they’re also great at navigating the team around a tough corner
Team Dogs (4): These dogs aren’t the flashiest or the ones you’ll notice first, but they’re committed towards the ultimate goal of our sled crossing the finish line first
Wheel Dogs (2): These buff boys run at a slower pace in the back, but their strength is paramount to keeping things in line
Lead Dogs
The 51st Dalmatian (101 Dalmatians):
This pup utilizes his middle child energy and insecurities to his advantage as he’s ready to prove himself on a team that would already be classified as a juggernaut without him. However, unlike his loser fifty older and loser fifty younger siblings, he’ll be a champion.
Pro Sport Comp: Kevin Durant
2003 Pitbull (as Pitbull in Culo Music Video by Pitbull):
Before he became Mr. Worldwide, he was Mr. 305
Dale! You can call him a horndog all you want, especially in a music video where he expresses his reverence for dazzling derrières, but you can’t deny his flair or ability to deliver an entertaining performance that causes your mom and aunts to dance. The benefits of positioning Mr. Worldwide behind the front are twofold: first, this specific early 2000s Pitbull hasn’t achieved mainstream commercial success yet, so the old adage, “Hungry dogs run faster,” would stay true, and second, he’ll run even faster when we dangle a picture of a tantalizing trollop tochus in front of him.
Pro Sport Comp: Young Messi – Both have dreams of conquering the world and representing Miami at some point in their careers
Swing Dogs
Wags the Dog (The Wiggles):
He may call it “rango” but Wags the Dog likes to tango making him the perfect Swing dog!
Pro Sport Comp: Muhammad Ali – His famous quote is apt for this dog, “Dance like Wags the Dog, Sting like a Feathersword.”
Arcanine (Pokemon):
On top of good stats and access to moves like Extreme Speed, fire types are super effective against ice types, so Arcanine can blaze a path through any treacherous frozen areas.
Pro Sport Comps Mix: John McEnroe (Fiery side) & Damian Lillard (Literal Trailblazer side)
Anubis (Egyptian Mythology):
While having a god with specialties in death and funerary rites sounds contradictory for a team with our goals, many talented athletes over the years have benefited from a change of scenery. Going from a gloomy desert setting to a warm (even when the windchill is -10 °F) and positive team environment that has less of a focus on death, will do wonders for Anubis’s personal growth. Plus, Anubis is a literal god, so I think he’ll be able to get acclimated to the culture and produce results fairly quickly.’
Pro Sport Comp: Saquon Barkley – Walking like an Egyptian to the endzone or finish line is now a possibility with his new team.
Snoopy (Snoopy vs. the Red Baron - PS2 Video Game):
He is highly decorated and the most illustrious combat pilot of all time. His top achievements from this 2006 WW1 video game include shooting down the Red Baron and a zeppelin on his own. If he can maneuver through dog fights with ease, then keeping our sled on course will be a walk in the dog park.
Pro Sport Comp: Paul Skenes
Team Dogs
Max (How the Grinch Stole Christmas):
Max is a good boy who has experience with both pulling a sled and dealing with toxic teammates. Even when dealing with these tumultuous colleagues, Max’s positive attitude impacts the amount of effort and heart shown by his teammates.
Pro Sport Comp: Roberto Clemente – This is based on Max’s humanitarian acts in Whoville.
Scrappy-Doo (Scooby-Doo):
Quite the fitting name! Despite his small stature, this gutsy lunch-pail dog always shows up early for practice and stays late for gym sessions. This unflashy role player doesn’t need to be the main character on the team, but his ability to grind tape and listen to his coach’s advice will go a long way towards the team’s success. The early 2000s movie was a poor deliberate attempt to smear this high-character little guy who always gave a 110% to help Mystery Inc. Many fans would sleep happy if he married their dog daughters.
Pro Sport Comp: TJ McConnell
Spot the Target Dog (Early 2000’s Target Commercials):
Spot provides the unique and vital skill of resourcefulness. While Spot won’t be regarded as the top athlete on the team, possessing the ability to find something like inner strength, food for the team, or a great deal on a product that you don’t need but must have to get a nice hit of dopamine. Without a doubt, he’ll be a fan favorite for the ladies!
Pro Sport Comp: Ben Zobrist’s ultimate utility man ability to contribute wherever and however needed.
Duck Hunt Dog (Duck Hunt):
Every championship team needs an elite defensive player who’s not afraid of running their mouth to the competition or getting their hands dirty. Duck Hunt Dog maintains his status as one of the top shit talkers in video game history and the original rage baiter.
Pro Sport Comp: Draymond Green
Wheel Dogs
Chain Chomp (Mario Vidya games):
The strongest dog in video game history flexes his might in the back row. CC’s size and extensive history of pulling will be crucial around mile #730, a.k.a. Level 7-3.
Pro Sport Comp: 4-time World’s Strongest Man: Magnús Ver Magnússon
Marmaduke (Marmaduke Comic Series):
Why does the dad look like Hitler?
He’s a bit of a gangly rascal, but his size and lovable personality (Remember, this is the classic Marmaduke version from the Sunday Funnies and not a panned Pete Davidson movie) are appreciated as he co-anchors the back row.
Pro Sport Comp: Too Tall Jones
