Soup Friday Finale: Miller’s Smorgasbord - Six Soup Medley
To properly honor the triumph that was the 2025-2026 Soup Season, I desired to conclude its finale with both an emphatic flourish and a new soup apex. To accomplish this lofty goal, I aimed to double my personal soup record, three different cups of soup consumed in one sitting, to six. I also made the executive decision to once again postpone my plans for a low-sodium diet for another week. After an hour or so of rigorous buffet research, I determined that Miller’s Smorgasbord would serve as the ideal setting to make Soup Friday history.
Even with a dormant Dutch Wonderland and other popular Lancaster tourist traps on hiatus, the congestion on Route 30 started to make me believe it was as a Saturday in mid-July. Like so many past family summer vacations to the shore, each delayed an hour by this road’s traffic, today would be no different. Unpleasant scenes played out on the well-trodden asphalt in front of me: parents in minivans behaved worse than their kids in the backseats as they took out their frustration by honking their horn pointlessly every one hundred yards, SUVs switched lanes without a turn signal warning as they continued their heated rivalry with the vehicles that had cut them off two miles back, and impatient pickup trucks ran red lights in order to get to their favorite chain restaurant one minute faster. As I steadily progressed with a brisk pace of three miles per hour, I earned a brief reprieve from the jostling jam while stopped at the world’s longest red light. A group of horses appeared to my left and I instantly became captivated. The four-horse team regally trotted through the open field behind an overpriced “bargain” motel as they plowed the land in preparation for the upcoming planting season. I started to hope my stomach would work as diligently as they were as a prolonged HONK from a silver Honda Odyssey behind me informed me that the light had turned green.
Ten minutes and half of a mile later, I finally arrived. As I exited out of my white CRV, the picturesque scenery of the neighboring countryside’s farms mesmerized me. I planned on taking a few minutes to marvel at its beauty further until I breathed in the fresh country air. Suddenly, the smell of cow shit permeated throughout my nasal passages. In fear of losing my appetite, I darted for the doorway to escape the serene but more noticeably malodorous outback of rural Ronks, Pennsylvania.
Even at 2:30 PM, Miller’s Smorgasbord entryway was bustling with tourists of all ages as they disembarked in waves from their road-blocking buses. I circumnavigated around a long line of eager octogenarians hankering for their turn to crank out a fifty-one-cent pressed penny souvenirs to commemorate their voyage to the buffet. Then, I narrowly dodged a stampede of children high on sugar as they raced towards an object with the only sweet on the premises they hadn’t consumed yet: a bowl filled to the brim with dinner mints. For a moment, I thought I was on the concourse of a sold-out football game at halftime as I needed to shimmy my way past a lengthy line of women waiting to use the restroom that obstructed the pathway to the hostess’s lectern. Despite the front of the establishment feeling like it was on the brink of exceeding the fire marshal’s occupancy capacity, the hostess seated me immediately in a dim area with a third of its light coming from a nearby buffet station. The walls to my left were saturated with prints of hardworking, soup-loving Amish folk.
My waitress notified me of the two primary buffet options: The unlimited soup and salad bar option for $20.99 or the entire dinner buffet for $31.99. I initially ordered the cheaper, soup-only option as I originally intended to just fill my stomach up with soup. Following a loop around the entire buffet, I upgraded to the all-encompassing alternative after getting a glimpse of the crispy fried chicken and the enticing array of desserts. I recalibrated my soup agenda to adjust for saving enough stomach real estate for an additional meal after I completed my record-setting soup total. All I had consumed up to that point in the day was twenty ounces of Sheetz black coffee and a Pepcid tablet, so there at least was a fair bit of space to spare.
My newly concocted dining itinerary was structured around timing and self-deception. Between soups, I would provide myself with a few minutes of break time to recharge and divert my attention away from the thought of feeling full by focusing on trivial matters like checking how poorly my March Madness bracket was doing (Ayyy! 12 millionth place – not too shabby!). To reset my palate, I would take vigorous swigs of Diet Pepsi between soups. In an effort to avoid contamination, I planned on using a different spoon for each of the six cups.
As I headed towards the soup station to begin the challenge, I abruptly stood frozen. My mind became seized by an intrusive thought of buckling under pressure and regurgitating everything I ate after the third cup of soup. I took a deep breath of air untainted by cow shit and hyped myself up by recalling that I had built a strong soup stamina over the past few months. Not to mention, this wouldn’t be my first rodeo of downing a six count of something affiliated with the name Miller over a short period and it wouldn’t be my last! I was ready for this momentous occasion.
Soup 1: Sausage and Cabbage
BANGERS AND CABBAGE soup sounds like it would be a ubiquitous pub menu item in the U.K.
Admittedly, the cabbage part of the soup’s name intimidated me as I dreaded the roughage potentially being too rough and requiring a herculean effort from my teeth just to ingest it. As I was about to place my first spoonful in my mouth, an older woman, clad in an oversized Intercourse, PA-stitched knit sweater and navy sweatpants, approached my table. Worried she was going to warn me about a potential food poisoning effect or other defects, I immediately put the spoon back in the small white bowl. However, the stranger alleviated my fears as she informed me that this “heavenly” soup ranked at the top of her all-time soup list. This soup angel spoke the good word. The sausage tasted divine and made me a believer in the encased meat gods. Each bite of sausage was better than the last. After last week’s poor excuse of tomato broth, I became thankful not only for just tasting like tomato broth should, but it also amplified the sausage’s taste and evoked the memory of the best Italian meal I’ve ever eaten. Even the cabbage was executed well as no laborious chewing was required to swallow it. Despite my constant longing for a missing component in the previous soups I’ve reviewed this season, the sausage and cabbage soup needed only its three principal ingredients and nothing more. I seriously considered retrieving another bowl, but with a formidable five soups to go, I casted the idea aside for the time being.
Soup Score:
9.25
Soup 2: Chicken and Corn
Most Soup Fridays, my soup’s ratio of contents is at the mercy of someone in the kitchen. Today, I had the opportunity to ladle out a congruous bowl with equitable portions of broth, meat, veggies, and starches. No matter how many times I tried with this soup, I always fetched an entire can of corn out of its kettle. Compared to other soups I’ve reviewed with an abundance of corn, at least this one contained corn that tasted fresh and sweet. Although, it didn’t take long for me to grow tired of just shoving corn down my gullet. They cooked both the chicken and eggs well, but their limited presence provided no escape from the deluge of kernels. They at least temporarily distracted me from the taste of corn as I pondered which of the two ingredients they added first: the four small strips of chicken or the three hard-boiled egg slices. As someone with Pennsylvania Dutch ancestry and an extensive amount of experience eating this particular soup, I expected a better performance than this for an establishment based in Lancaster County.
Soup Score:
7.1
Soup 3: Vegetarian Vegetable
Using my soup sleuthing skills, I expeditiously deduced that Miller’s created this soup with the cost-effective strategy of just taking whatever amalgamation of leftover veggies they had from other dishes and pouring them into the broth together. The lima beans and rice complimented the heartier vegetables well, but their sparse representation made the soup taste less well rounded. Surprisingly, they didn’t allocate their entire supply of corn into the Chicken and Corn Soup and had enough left over to supplement this vegetable soup with its own substantial portion. A couple of other previously-tasted ingredients made second appearances as well with varying results. The tomato broth continued its great run of form, but the cabbage felt redundant here with the presence of celery and onions.
Soup Score:
6.4
Soup 4: Ham Chowder
Yay more corn! At least the percentage of corn wasn’t as overwhelming. Plus, I love the classic holiday combination of ham, potatoes, and corn, so I welcomed the accompaniment of the little starchy yellow lads. The ham had a good flavor, but tasted a bit overdone. The bits of red pepper and parsley littered throughout enriched the chowder overall. My tastebuds, thankful the size of the bowl was only a cup, quickly became encumbered by the cream’s dense body. As a whole, the chowder reminded me of an inferior version of my mother’s ham casserole. That said, mediocre ham chowder is still delicious.
Soup Score:
8.34
Soup 5: Ham and Bean
I took a moment to take a breather and also admire the operation. Staff swiftly cleared dishes from tables and constantly replenished all buffet items. I started to feel the effect of eating four soups in short succession, but persevered on to bowl #5. Unsurprisingly, the taste of ham monopolized the broth. Surprisingly, it also nullified the taste of the soup’s other normally impactful flavors including the ample strips of onion. The ham itself was rougher and crustier than the chowder’s ham. I surmised it came from the carving station’s leftover undesirable scraps in another budget-friendly move. Given its titular role, I anticipated a larger number of lima beans than I encountered in the Vegetable Soup earlier. However, it felt like the bean presence expanded twentyfold as I grew tired of biting into the soft cushiony texture by my fourth spoonful. In contrast, I appreciated the celery and carrots as minor players with the ability to elevate the soup despite being in limited roles.
Soup Score:
6.85
Soup 6: Seafood Bisque
I questioned my sixth and final soup choice the instant I scooped it up. Instead of an easy potato soup, I selected a soup with an appearance of applesauce and oatmeal blended together. Not helping its case was the aroma of a cheap canned cat food that emitted from it. I didn’t want to waste food like your average smorgasbord profligate, so I begrudgingly returned with it back to my table. An indistinguishable rubbery seafood taste struck my mouth on first bite. Even worse, the salt content made it feel like you were inhaling a mouthful of the Atlantic Ocean with each spoonful. To its credit, beyond the seafood taste, the bisque’s cream at least had an easy-to-digest texture. Masochistically, I finished every drop.
Soup Score:
4.1
I strutted back to the rest of the dinner buffet with swagger as I celebrated the completion of my record-shattering performance. Miraculously, I still had enough room for more food. I definitely got my money’s worth as I washed the soup down with Swedish meatballs, sautéed mushrooms, sautéed kale, the aforementioned fried chicken, chocolate mousse cheesecake, and banana pudding. I imagined with more than a day’s worth of calories in one sitting I would act lethargic and be satiated for the next twenty-four hours like a lion after its post-hunt meal. At the very least, the upcoming stomach ache I was about to experience would create a long-term memory of this glorious Soup Friday finale!