My Favorite Absurd NFL Draft Traditions
Another year, another weekend wasted watching the NFL Draft. I understand if others would rather use their free time to be a more impactful member of society instead of watching the draft. My own anti-commercialist family despises the ten minutes lost between each first round pick. I always tell them to lighten up and enjoy the same Jake from State Farm ad that’s appeared for the sixth time tonight, but they’d prefer to just change the channel to a network sitcom that only features an insurance commercial repeating just once. Even some of the most ardent football fans think the draft is a complete waste of time. They’d rather just see who gets drafted via a notification that pops up on their phone one minute after it’s announced at the event. In my opinion, my cantankerous-around-the boob-tube-family and the anti-draft fans, AKA the normal people of the world, are all correct in focusing their lives on more important matters. However, even though I am aware enough to recognize the absurdity of the entire thing, I can’t help but love the NFL Draft.
Every April, my eyes are glued to the TV for the weekend as dreams come true and poor decisions made by general managers lead to their eventual terminations. While many cherish the opportunity to watch the greatest moment in many young men’s lives or see who will be the future face of their franchise, I hold the NFL Draft near and dear to my heart and invest an excessive number of hours into the spectacle for six obscure traditions that won’t be discussed the next morning on Good Morning America. These traditions combine all the asinine actions of the fans who watch the draft, the support system around the players, and the networks that broadcast the three-day-long event.
You said it Sonny!
1. The Mom & Girlfriend Cold War
There’s always a palpable catty tension between at least one prospect’s mother and girlfriend over who gets to hug him first after he hears the news that he’s just been drafted. The stare off between the two adversaries is legendary as each awaits to see if the other will make the first move towards the draftee as he wraps up his call with his new coach. Going to early while he’s still on the phone will risk triggering the backlash of an irritated young man who will spurn the early party after he completes his discussion. The one to first receive admiration in the form a celebratory kiss and bear hug will earn the coveted spot as the #1 woman in his life.
2. Last-Minute Bad Boy Rumors
There’s always one rumor that swirls about a particular prospect on the day of the draft that ultimately tanks their draft stock. Typically, it stems from some type of behavioral issue, a potential legal issue, a drug-related concern, or all of the above. These concerns should be taken seriously, but half the time, they’re false alarms and the player has a solid career not affected by the issue. Ten years later, my favorite one of these is still Laremy Tunsil. A few minutes before the 2016 draft was set to begin, a picture of Mr. Tunsil wearing a gas mask bong went viral on Twitter.
3. Did you really have to ask about that?
Imagine you’re one of these prospects attending the draft. Your dreams have become a reality as your name was just announced to the world as the new draft pick for one of the thirty-two teams in the league. Your lifelong tenacity and toil have carried you into the ranks of your profession’s giants. Instead of being asked about your elation in that very moment or what you look forward to the most about your new team, the first question you receive is from an on-stage reporter asking you about the incredibly traumatizing experience from your youth.
“Congrats on being drafted Ev Dog! What does this mean to you after dealing with ____________ for so many years?”
A – Homelessness
B – Domestic Abuse
C – Losing a Family Member to Suicide
D – All of the Above
Personally, I loathe this tradition, but it’s always fascinating to see how much lower the networks and reporters will go each year. Executives at ESPN pretend it highlights the adversity that prospects have experienced over the course of their lives, but in actuality it’s just a profitable form of emotional exploitation that dampens a celebratory atmosphere. If a player wants to mention it on their own accord, that’s perfectly acceptable. However, there’s never a case for it being displayed in the same section as their college statistics or athletic testing results.
Unfortunate example
4. The Draft Crush(ing Your Spirits)
You’ll read up on a prospect who is apparently a great kid, had a productive college career at a reputable program for NFL talent, and recently attended multiple productive pre-draft meetings with your team. You suddenly fall in love with the idea of this kid transforming your franchise for the better. (GO CHECK OUT MY RECENT DRAFT CRUSH BLOG!) Then, without fail, one of your divisional rivals selects him a couple of spots before your team’s pick. Or, strangely enough on the Philadelphia side, a Safety of the Future, who would instantly fill a team need, arrives at your team’s doorstep. Fans are overjoyed and wonder what year he’ll be honored as a new inductee into the team’s hall of fame. The illusion is suddenly interrupted as the Eagles opt for a defensive lineman. To be fair, it’s one of those “it’s strange it happened twice” situations and the D-linemen they drafted both contributed to one or more Super Bowl-winning teams, so I guess they worked out after all.
5. Who?
My favorite draft reactions hail from the fans who likely traveled 4+ hours, coated every pore of their face in a garishly colored paint, and adorned themselves in over-the-top team-oriented costumes in order to properly experience the draft in person. They’re eager and inebriated as the time for the announcement of their team’s selection has finally come. The dream of a new star quarterback or wide receiver is put on hold as they can only muster a lukewarm, puzzled cheer when they learn the sobering news that their team drafted an unknown offensive guard from South Dakota State.
6. What’s 15 more minutes?
Like clockwork, every couple of rounds, you’ll find yourself waiting for 15 minutes because you saw your team was coming up shortly in the draft order. When their turn does arrive, they ultimately decide to trade the pick over halfway through their allotted time on the clock. You start to wonder about all the time you’ve wasted and all the opportunities you’ve missed, but then you remember this an essential tradition of an unproductive NFL Draft-watching experience!