2026 NFL Preview
As the 2026 season begins, resentfully, I must give credit to the always-greedy Goodell and the CTE-denying, nefarious National Football League. As the MLB faces an impending player strike, the NBA sloppily admonishes corrupt owners only after learning that a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation was imminent, and the home of practice squad rejects, college football, finds a new low each week, the NFL comparatively has its shit together. Soon, it will extend its season to thirty games. Each night of the week will feature a different matchup in a different country on a different streaming service. I eagerly anticipate the NFL pushing their luck with an announcement of their 2028 Week 1 Monday Night game between the New York Giants and New York Jets played on September 11th in Riyadh. Fortunately, the next week of the season, they’ll win the country back with ads of the Mannings watching penguins play football at the South Pole as they reveal the first ever Antarctica game.
All those plagued by a pigskin addiction, including myself, are complicit as we continue to watch three minutes of the same Bud Light and Jake from State Farm ads after a kickoff that already followed a commercial break resulted in a touchback instead of doing something productive or spending time with our families. But that all sounds boring, so how about I prognosticate how your favorite team will do this season instead!
NFC
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks (11-6): Like a greasy 3 AM meal at a diner with a large glass of water, their defense will ensure there’s no significant hangover for the reigning champs. However, the loss of Offensive Coordinator Klint Kubiak will have some impact on Sam Darnold’s stats.
Los Angeles Rams (11-6): While some view them as a dream team, I think it’s more likely that Puka’s Kanye arc antics, will cause Sean McVay to have the occasional nightmare.
San Francisco 49ers (10-7): I think the addition of wide receiver Daejon Love will provide the 49ers with enough depth on the outside to overcome the effects of the nearby electrical substation and galvanize the team to a solid record.
Oh no! He harnessed its power.
Arizona Cardinals (5-12): At least Trey McBride will have another tremendous statistical season!
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-9): It’ll feel weird not hearing about Mike Evans quietly produce a 1000-yard season. I think the Bucs win the shittiest division in shitty fashion with a walk-off safety in OT of Week 18.
Carolina Panthers (8-9): Bryce Young takes another small step towards being recognized as a league average starter.
Atlanta Falcons (7-9-1): I’m feeling optimistic and will predict that Tua will still have some function in his brain at the end of the season by only being concussed in lurid fashion one time this year.
New Orleans Saints (7-9-1): I believe Tyler Shough will continue to develop into a solid quarterback, but the voodoo from Bountygate prevents them from postseason success again.
NFC North
Chicago Bears (13-4): Maybe with a tougher schedule, the Bears will take a step back, but I think the pairing of Caleb Williams and Ben Johnson will once again put up dazzling displays of unbelievable offense. Chicago’s drought of not having a 4000-yard passer will finally come to an end.
Detroit Lions (10-7): The fourth-place schedule will keep them in the hunt, but their pass defense will keep them from clinching a playoff spot. When this happens, please support anyone in your life who became a Lions fan two years ago.
Minnesota Vikings (8-9): I can see them being the surprise team of the first half of the season like the Colts last year before they eventually become the “Wow! Remember when we thought they were good?” team of the second half of the season also like the Colts last year.
Green Bay Packers (7-10): Statistically, there’s always a couple of playoff teams that regress each year and the Packers are who I’m predicting to fill that void.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys (11-6): Like the Spanish Inquisition, I feel like when no one expects it, the Cowboys deliver a division championship.
Philadelphia Eagles (11-6): I think the offense is still a bit behind schedule on learning the fundamentals of the new offensive style of play. This will probably lead to a slower start, but the healthier offensive line powered by Colombian stem cells pave the way for a Saquon bounce back year. I think the stingy defense led by a revitalized Jalen Carter and breakout candidate Jalyx Hunt will again be the deciding factor in several of their close games.
Washington Commanders (8-9): It’s a vital year for Dan Quinn’s squad to prove which of the past two seasons was the fluke. I predict Frankie Luvu will only deliver four concussion-inducing hits out of respect to his quarterback, Jayden Daniels.
New York Giants (6-11): There will probably be some observable dull Harbaugh-associated improvements, but they’ll be nullified from their star offensive players getting injured again.
AFC
AFC East
Buffalo Bills (12-5): Josh Allen with dad strength sounds like a recipe to return back to the top of this division.
New England Patriots (10-7): I wish A.J. well. I think he’ll have a productive season in an environment that’s committed to loyalty, devotion to one’s family, and holding hands platonically in a hot tub with a reporter to secure the upper hand in trade negotiations. I also think a more arduous schedule and edge matchups will overwhelm the offense and Will Campbell at times.
New York Jets (6-11): Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Jets.
Miami Dolphins (2-15): Malik Willis will make some sick plays when his team is down 25 in the fourth quarter.
AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars (12-5): I like what Chef Duuuuvaaaaaalllll is cooking.
Houston Texans (9-8): Call a doctor because their D will remain hard for longer than four games! Fortunately for their opponents, C.J. Stroud won’t know how to use it.
Indianapolis Colts (7-9-1): I believe they’ll be the most boring average team in the league, but Jonathan Taylor still secures another 1000-yard year.
Tennessee Titans (5-12): They’ll definitely squander a few games where they have a two score lead in and get blown out by most others, but they’re going to look awesome in their new uniforms while they lose.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens (13-4): This season in Baltimore will be the return of the Most Valuable Running Back.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7-1): Many Steeler fans believe this will be the year they’re either winning or losing twelve games. I think their odyssey through the Mediocre Sea continues. Just make sure you put wax in your ears when Rodgers goes on McAfee this season!
Cincinnati Bengals (7-10): I just need to see it again before I predict them making the playoffs. Even if they’re all healthy, I still don’t have faith in this team winning any significant games in January.
Cleveland Browns (4-13): The defense will win all these games. Watson and Sanders will at least provide some comic relief.
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs (11-6): I can’t bet against Mahomes missing the playoffs two years in a row yet.
Denver Broncos (10-7): Fuck Sean Payton, but they’ve still got a good squad out there in the Rockies.
Los Angeles Chargers (8-9): At least the all-knowing football media pundits, will get another year of poor o-line play to cite for Herbert’s lack of playoff success.
Las Vegas Raiders (4-13): Their best moment of the season will likely come from a viral clip of Kirk Cousins and Fernando Mendoza giggling while both shouting some outdated slang.
Playoffs:
NFC
1. Chicago Bears 13-4
2. Seattle Seahawks 11-6
3. Dallas Cowboys 11-6
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-9
5. Philadelphia Eagles 11-6
6. Los Angeles Rams 11-6
7. San Francisco 49ers 10-7
NFC Wild Card Round:
Seattle 23 San Francisco 16
Los Angeles 33 Dallas 27 OT
Prediction for funny Dallas playoff moment: Dallas attempts a hook and ladder play on the first drive of OT only for it caught on the lateral by Rams cornerback Trent McDuffie and returned for the winning touchdown.
Philadelphia 27 Tampa Bay 24
I’ve seen this one before! If Sixers can overcome their first round boogeyman in the Celtics, why can’t the Eagles?
NFC Divisional Round
Chicago 29 Los Angeles 26
Seattle 27 Philadelphia 19
Winning in Tampa in January is one thing, but the Eagles winning in Seattle has felt impossible for the past two decades.
NFC Championship Round
Chicago 21 Seattle 20
AFC
1. Baltimore Ravens 13-4
2. Jacksonville Jaguars 12-5
3. Buffalo Bills 12-5
4. Kansas City Chiefs 11-6
5. New England Patriots 10-7
6. Denver Broncos 10-7
7. Pittsburgh Steelers 9-7-1
AFC Wild Card Round:
Pittsburgh 29Jacksonville 27
A five field goal Boswell day ends with a game winner from 55 out as time experise as yinzers are over the moon (township) with their first playoff win in ten years.
Buffalo 31 Denver 23
Kansas City 25 New England 24
AFC Divisional Round:
Baltimore 30 Pittsburgh 17
I’ll still never forgive Tomlin for the decision to not go for it on 4th & an inch against the Ravens with Justin Fields on the bench two years ago. He should have been fired on the spot, but the Rooneys allowed him to go 10-7 for another year for funsies or some other reason. Although, alternatively I think McCarthy will make too many aggressive decisions and cost his team in this hypothetical contest.
Buffalo 31 Kansas City 24
Josh Allen has done it! Mahomes and the Chiefs can’t hurt him in the playoffs anymore.
AFC Championship Round
Baltimore 40 Buffalo 37
But his own defense can.
Super Bowl:
Chicago 26 Baltimore 20
It’s feeling like 85! The Windy City says, “Thanks! I’ll have another!” as Da Bears hibernate after a fun parade filled with several shots of Jeppson's Malört.
