76ers 2026 Offseason Wishlist Part 2 – How to Properly Address the Bench and a Problematic Owner
What a strange time it is to be a 76ers fan. Even though I’ve become desensitized to the team’s cursed state featuring perennially bizarre happenings that kill the transient positive vibes that emerge periodically in either early March or the first round of the playoffs, I still have a slither of hope remaining that these Sixers will eventually hoist the Larry O’Brien Trophy. After finally beating their longtime postseason bogeyman, the Boston Celtics, in a thrilling Game 7 victory, the Sixers proceeded to exhibit a helpless display against their real postseason bogeyman, the second round of the NBA playoffs. Instead of treating their overzealous fanbase with a conference finals appearance at any point within the last decade, the Sixers gifted their fans with interminable depression. The team possesses a vigorous future core centered around V.J. Edgecombe and Tyrese Maxey, but whoever succeeds Daryl Morey as the next President of Basketball Operations will be limited with how they can amplify an already-expensive roster. The dire financial circumstances stem from the bloated contracts of aged stars, Paul George and Joel Embiid. Realistically, I know the 76ers won’t make substantial roster modifications this summer and next year’s team will at best, experience the same results as this past season. However, even with the 2026-2027 results basically set in stone, I still think the season can be an enjoyable one. That’s why my following offseason requests will galvanize the fanbase while remaining fiscally pragmatic.
1. Click here to see Part 1/#1 of my 76ers Offseason Wishlist that essentially devolved into a love letter to the crackhead rabbit mascot known as Hip-Hop.
2. Sign a Former All-star 10 Years Past his Prime
Welcome to Philadelphia Ol’ Man Jenkins!
Now that Kyle Lowry is retiring, the Sixers need someone on the cusp of retirement to serve as the 12th man on the roster that you hope doesn’t play a whole lot of minutes, but can at least shed some wisdom onto his younger teammates. Patrick Beverly and Paul Millsap also previously served in this role. Lebron is too good to fit into this category, so definitely not someone of that talent level. It needs to be someone who’s washed but is still capable of producing an unexpected clutch highlight in late February when the starters are resting for the night. The top potential offseason acquisition options that fit the elder statesman criteria include Kevin Love, Mike Conley and Brook Lopez, who are all surprisingly still in the league.
3. No Easy-to-admire Bench Player Acquisitions
This may seem like a strange request, but all the bench guys I’ve grown attached to in The Process Era have been either released or traded at the deadline.
Past traumatizing transactions:
February 2015 – K.J. McDaniels – He was never a great player, but his athletic dunks in Garbage Time provided some entertainment to an 18-win season.
October 2022 – Isaiah Joe – He rarely played, but he had one of the sweetest strokes on a basketball court that I’ve ever witnessed. Every shot looked like an automatic three points. I was so inspired that I bought a Kids XL Isaiah Joe jersey. It was a bit tight, but I was proud to be one of the eighteen people in the world to own an Isaiah Joe jersey.
THERE ARE A DOZEN AND A HALF OF US!!!
February 2026 - Jared McCain – There’s no denying he experienced a sophomore slump after an electric shortened rookie season, but he was figuring it out! If the Sixers would have allowed him to continue to find his groove, I believe he could have been utilized as a vital source of offense and ball handling off the bench. Both were desperately needed in the 2026 playoffs.
Almost/Draft – Thankfully, the Toronto Raptors’ demands to trade for Kyle Lowry were ludicrously high and rookie Tyrese Maxey was not shipped across the border. The same cannot be said about Mikal Bridges. In 2018, the Sixers drafted a local kid from the two-time champion Villanova teams whose mom worked on the 76ers. It was a perfect match as Bridges would bolster the roster as a promising 3&D wing. However, it was an ephemeral era as Mikal was traded within minutes of him putting on a Philadelphia hat. In return the Sixers acquired a player who nearly died from an allergic reaction to a sesame seed one month later and was out of league by 2020.
4. FUCK OFF JOSH
This scene from Succession aged well
Again, I’m not asking for a whole lot this offseason, but more than anything else, I would like to see the small change of a new ownership group. Pardonnez mon français, but the current majority owner, Josh Harris, is an unserious piece of shit who sucks ass. The only compliment I can bestow upon him is that he alleviates the pain of a playoff series loss by knowing that he won’t make any additional million dollars more off of a deeper postseason run. You may be wondering, “Wouldn’t some other rich asshole just get richer off the playoff success of the 76ers while doing nothing to enrich the city of Philadelphia?” Probably, but hopefully, they’d be willing to afford the seven-million-dollar luxury tax penalty (An $80 fine for the average person) instead of being a frugal cunt worth $13 billion dollars. Additionally, I’d prefer an owner who didn’t also own two other professional sports franchises in rival cities (I’m actually surprised Harris doesn’t also own either of the cheaply-run Pittsburgh Pirates or Miami Marlins) or a shoddy-producing apparel company that now dabbles in prediction markets. My other new owner pre-requisite would be simple but the cherry on top: NO ONE CONNECTED TO EPSTEIN!!!
Even the voice of McDonald’s commercials agrees! Ba da ba ba ba!
FUN FACT: Surprisingly not associated with Epstein or his friends, the Sack Man is a variant of the Bogeyman folklore which, as its name suggests, stuffs children into a sack. It predominantly exists in the culture of Latin American countries.
I never realized how much the Sack Man eerily resembles Sixers owner Josh Harris!