A Slightly Belated 2026 FIFA World Cup Preview

I’ll be honest. I thought the World Cup was still a week away when I started working on this blog. Since Memorial Day , I’ve just assumed we were at some date in the first week of June. Also contributing to my ignorance of important soccer dates is the fact that I've watched far fewer matches over the last two years than I did a few years ago. My roster knowledge has also diminished in recent years from not playing any recent installment of the FIFA video game series (or EA Sports FC or whatever the hell they call it now), so for better or worse, depending on your perspective, fewer obscure names will appear in this preview than I’d prefer. However, prior to each tournament, I procrastinate on a chore or blog by watching a compilation of every goal scored in every World Cup match from the previous five tournaments. Since my youth, the names have changed, vuvuzelas have tragically been banned, and FIFA somehow got more corrupt, but I believe my experience watching this tournament has provided me with a keen sense of how well all the teams will fare even in this hot mess of a diluted 48-team tournament. Fortunately, the completed results of the 2026 World Cup matches that have already been played align in a congruent manner to what I expected would occur. (Maybe, I wasn’t completely expecting Spain to draw with Cape Verde, but that shouldn’t affect the overall outcome.) However, don’t fret! Below, I prognosticate a variety of absurd yet plausible predictions for what will transpire at the tournament beyond who wins and who loses. Plus, to make up for the delay, I’ve included not one, not two but three fun facts.

Group Stage

Group A

Mexico: I feel like Mexico should always be better than they are, but I believe they’ll benefit from home field advantage early on in the group stage. No ref will want to stress over dodging missiles launched by home fans in the form of bottles of piss for ninety minutes, so I see them easily winning the group. 9 Points

South Korea: Perennially, South Korea outperforms their level of talent as the team unites cohesively in an effort to avoid mandated military service. 6 Points

Czechia: This country has a special place in my heart as the one European country I’ve ever visited, but sadly, their third-place vibes will be too much to overcome. 3 Points

South Africa: We’ll always have the Jabulani balls and Shakira’s Waka Waka (I’ll be here all night.) I miss you 2010. South Africa probably does too. 0 Points

Group B

Switzerland: Unfortunately, due to the unforgiving concepts of time passing and aging, none of us will get to witness the mandatory Xherdan Shaqiri national team banger of a goal, but we will once again get to observe Switzerland fail to live up to their potential in a second-round knockout. 4 Points

Canada: They may stand on god for thee, but I think they’ll have trouble scoring more than three (goals) across their entire run. Alphonso Davies will be immense though. 4 Points

Qatar: No slaves were killed during the creating of this blog. On the field, I predict Qatar will be one of those pain in the ass teams that always plays for a 1-0 win off a corner in stoppage time. I think they’ll earn one win like that. 4 Points

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Their most prominent name on the sheet is Edin Džeko at the ripe age of forty. The Bosnians will benefit from enough old man strength to produce a victory. However, goal differential does them dirty in this group. 4 Points

Group C

Brazil: They don’t look as intimidating as they once did, but I’m going to go out on a limb and predict they won’t lose 7-1 or lose at all in any of their group matches. I’ll even guarantee that in their third game, when Brazil has already qualified for the next round, Neymar will play and flop to generate his signature writhing in pain on the ground move. 9 Points

Morocco: Even when not benefiting from AFCON chicanery, Morocco consistently outperforms my expectations. In Hakimi, we trust. 4 Points

Scotland: As someone with a wee bit of Scottish in them, I am going to manifest them getting a resilient, bagpipe-laden third place finish that does enough to qualify for second-round blowout. 4 Points

Haiti: To be optimistic, I’ll predict Haiti scores two goals. 0 Points

Group D

Turkey: Since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, Turkey’s soccer has been in an ambiguous no man’s land of soccer quality where they’ve never been great or bad, I think they continue that trend but somehow fall backwards into a first place finish. 5 Points

United States: I totally expected them to humiliate Paraguay last week, but this country thrives on its military industrial complex, political corruption, film industry (adult & non-adult divisions), fast food, detestation towards the poor and victims of repugnant acts, and the USMNT finishing second in their group. I am at least happy to see Gregg Berhalter’s milquetoast coaching style infect the play of the team. However, as someone who has watched the Premier League for over a decade, please note that once expectations get too high, Pochettino teams falter, but when they’re low, they thrive. 4 Points

2nd Place! Fuck Yeah!

Australia: The Socceroos are here and ready to party! They’ll effortlessly capture 3rd place, become the tournament’s sweetheart, and have an entertaining time in the process. 4 Points

Paraguay: I don’t know much about the country or their team, but based on this fun fact, I know they’ll be able to read about their unfortunate prediction in my standings. 3 Points

Fun Fact #1:

Paraguay’s literacy rate is very high. Almost 94% of people older than 15 years know how to read and write.

Group E

Germany: This Deutsch squad lacks the talent and consistency of the teams that dominated in my younger days, but it should take a while in a 48-team competition for them to be challenged. 9 Points

Ecuador: They don’t have the most talented roster in the world, but with Kelvin Rodriguez on the team, I think their chances of advancing improve by 273.15%. 4 Points

Ivory Coast: I miss the days of Gervinho, the Toure bros, Drogba, and Cheick Tiote underperforming while outpacing opponents. Despite all of those players either retiring or being in the twilight of their career, this year’s Elephants will still continue the tradition of allowing an inopportune goal late in their third match that would ultimately prevent them from advancing to the next round. 2 Points

Curaçao: Congrats on making it guys! When they earn that one upset draw, the soccer world will go crazy, but quickly forget about it by the quarter finals. 1 Point

Group F

Netherlands: There’s many things I’ve long admired about the Dutch teams since I started watching soccer more regularly. I love their garish orange jerseys, their speedy counter attack, their lack of defense, their roster encumbered with names consisting of Van and de (in the case of Mickey Van de Ven: both), and losing in tragic fashion after an entertaining deep run. 9 Points

Striker Otto Van Cuse, in 2014, scoring one of the greatest goals in the sport’s history.

Japan: A lot of people I know or just met have either recently visited or have plans in the near future to visit Japan. I imagine with all of this revenue incoming from anime-and-ramen loving tourists, the national team was allocated with additional funds to upgrade facilities to enhance the squad into a second-place mecha. 6 Points

Sweden: I also cherish the names on their roster ending primarily in -son and -berg, but I foresee their bergers being overcooked, son, when they face the tougher talent in their group. 3 Points

Tunisia: I did not expect them to fire their coach after one game, but I originally would have after three. Don’t lose hope Tunisian fans! 0 Points

FUN FACT #2:

Several scenes from the Star Wars movies were filmed in Tunisia. The Sahara Desert was the backdrop for Luke Skywalker’s home planet, Tatooine, while the village of Tataouine inspired the name.

Group G

Belgium: The golden age of Belgian soccer may be over, but waffles and Jérémy Doku will fuel them to the last 16. 7 Points

Iran: At the time of writing, there’s an Iranian-friendly ceasefire deal in place that will ultimately be broken. I think Iran makes it through the group stage before stipulations of Iran advancing too far take effect and players are arrested. 5 Points

Egypt: I’m hearing rumors of Sheck Wes performing his new song “Mo Salah” instead of the stadiums playing the Egyptian national anthem. I think this will inspire the team to third place. 4 Points

New Zealand: A beautiful country with a beautiful national anthem in the song “Concerning Hobbits” will guide them to a beautiful fourth place performance. 0 Points

Group H

Spain: I feel like Franco deserved more punishment for being a shit stirrer during WW2, but it potentially influenced multiple generations of midfield passing prowess, so I’ll let it go and continue to watch in awe. 9 Points

Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia’s 2nd place finish in this group will feel like an inside job and it probably will be, but they’ll face no consequences for it. 5 Points

Uruguay: The lack of a Cavani or Suarez presence feels strange, but opponents will be sanguine about the idea of less bite marks. 4 Points

Cape Verde: I’m conflicted here. I love the color green, but like Edna E. Mode from The Incredibles, I also hate capes. 0 Points

Group I

France: I consistently feel ambivalently towards the French team. They’re talented and hated on by people I hate, but at the same time, they play like bitches at times and come off as entitled. Oh whoops! I’m conflating my analysis of this team with Wemby! 7 Points

Senegal: They have enough guys on the squad who were impactful in the Premier League 5 years ago to make me fool myself into them going on a relatively deep run. 4 Points

Norway: They took a sick Viking-inspired picture prior to the start of the tournament and I always like to cheer for the Nordic countries, but they unfortunately always let me down. Despite a couple of Haaland goals, I still see them finishing in third on goal differential. 4 Points

Iraq: Look, they’ll probably earn a tough draw and a hard-fought 1-0 loss to France, so that’s something! 1 Point

Group J

Argentina: The reigning champs will probably take it easy and have a potential ousting possibility on the final day of their group’s matches before finding their form and Julian Alvarez earning the coveted Golden Boot. 7 Points

Algeria: Even in the year 2026, I’d still favor Old Man Mahrez to lead his country on a dark horse run. Although, I’ll officially brand them like a cow as one of my official sleeper picks! 7 Points

Austria: Wow! They’re still throwing 37-year-old Marko Arnautovic out there like he’s in his prime at Stoke City. I’ll still predict a goal for him and David Alaba, but no victories. 1 Point

Jordan: A J amongst A’s. I don’t see the second round in their future, but at least the money is tall like them and Petra is pretty sick. 1 Point

Group K

Portugal: I don’t know if it’s just a Ronaldo thing or me being envious of their darker Iberian complexions, but I’ve been a hater for a long time of Portugal. I’ve decided to change my ways and support them this year. That will instantaneously change the moment they cry for a weak penalty in the fifth minute of their first game. 9 Points

Colombia: They’re dragging the carcass of James Rodriguez out there, but fortunately, putting on the yellow kit resurrects him as he returns to being a world-class player for a few weeks. 4 Points

Uzbekistan: I don’t know much about Uzbekistan as a team or country. Geographically, it’s centrally located amongst the Stan countries.

Fun Fact #3 

Its capital, Tashkent, was once a Silk Road trading hub. Also, all but one of their players’ last names ends in the letter ‘v’.

3 Points 

Congo DR: I want the best for them due to a midfielder’s surname being Pickel, but I know not to get my hopes up for an African team featuring an athlete with a fun name. 1 Point

Group L

England: If the Knicks can finally win it all with a roster featuring robust depth and talent, why can’t England? I’m not sure, but I look forward to their later-round heartbreak and early-round snafu. Although, I’m certain they’ll find they’re mojo along the way. 6 Points

Ghana: They have some bad Thomas Partey rape accusations juju, but this is the FIFA World Cup, so good karma is ignored and abhorrent actions are typically rewarded. 4 Points

Croatia: I recognize less last names on the roster that end in -ic, but I’m still a sucker for the red and white squares that engulf their kit. 4 Points

Panama: They always play above their weight to properly honor the safe passages the canal provides, but when in what’s likely the Group of Death, espera la Muerte. 2 Points

Knockout Stages - Round of 32

Screw FIFA for their sordid nature and constant greed to replace a flawless tournament format with a complicated mess that rewards mediocrity. Let’s all hope I inputted these correctly! I tried my best to match the correct teams to the proper spot, but one error caused me to go back and spend 20 minutes on the puzzle of what I missed.

Germany vs Australia: GER 1 – 0 AUS

Maybe if it happens in real life it won’t be as close, but I think few would be surprised with a result featuring the current iteration of die Mannschaft dominating possession and having a low percentage of shots on target. Heroes get remembered but Socceroos never die.

France vs Scotland: FRA 3-0 SCO

Those baguette boys can never steal the Scots’ freedom, but they’ll certainly run past them with ease.

South Korea vs Canada: KOR 2-2 CAN – South Korea advances on Penalties 5-3

When there’s a cup on the line, Canadian teams typically get knocked out early on in heart-wrenching fashion.

Netherlands vs Morocco: NED 3-1 MOR

I can see Gakpo cranking The Hague on the Moroccans with a first-half hat trick.

Colombia vs Ghana: COL 2-1 GHA a.e.t.

When needed the most in extra time, James delivers again with a penalty to seal the Colombians’ spot in the Round of 16.

Spain vs Algeria: ESP 2-1 ALG

The Algerians keep it tight, but Yamal loosens up the game with a second-half brace.

Turkey vs Qatar: TUR 1 - 1 QAT – Turkey advances on Penalties 4-2

If you can’t believe the Turks have the ability to make it past Qatar, Can Uzan and Kaan Ayhan can make you believe.

Belgium vs Uruguay: BEL 3-2 URU

This probably would have been a cooler match 10 years ago, but it still will probably be exciting in its own dreadful way with the inclusion of multiple own goals.

Brazil vs Japan: BRA 3-1 JAP a.e.t.

I feel like the Japanese will give their all, but run out of gas after 90 minutes. 

Ecuador vs Senegal: SEN 2-1 ECU

A late unintentional dribble into the net by Nicolas Jackson secures a calculated Lions’ victory.

Mexico vs vs Sweden (Sweden advanced to this round on a  disciplinary tiebreaker and for also possessing the largest quantity of blonde babes.): MEX 2-0 SWE

I think the experience of playing in the heat and a home field advantage will fuel El Tri to victory. Hopefully, the Swedes bring some tequila home to Stockholm for those babes to enjoy.

England vs Norway: ENG 4-2

If Kratos can defeat a plethora of Norse deities, then surely Harry Kane can defeat Erling Haaland. It’s Coming Home Mojo Meter: Oh Behave

Argentina vs Saudi Arabia: ARG 5-1

I’ll make this prediction more fun by guessing Messi records no goals or assists in this result as well. I also feel like these two have played each other at each of the past four World Cups, so why not another round?

United States vs Iran: USA 1 – 1 IRN USA advances on penalties 2-0

I had no clue to this matchup was such a likely possibility. I promise I didn’t match them up for the sake of content, but I think we even as ever-embarrassed citizens would enjoy momentarily escaping to a curious state of voyeuristic entertainment centered on discovering what would unfold. No matter what the result is, any administrative action would not be surprising or out of the possibility. I see the most realistic outcome including I.C.E. arresting all of the Iranian national players after extra time right before penalties. This would likely be the 20th time the ceasefire would be broken in months but it would ultimately be renegotiated days later as the markets demand being manipulated furhter. The U.S. somehow still misses three penalties with no goalie in net.

Agent Josh Thompson squanders his shot by sending it over the bar.

Switzerland vs Egypt: EGY 2-1 SUI

In a less eventful affair, the the pharaohs hang on from a late Swiss barrage of shots, account offerings, and cheese.

Portugal vs Croatia: POR 3-1 CRO

You’ll always have 2018 Croatia, but 2026 is officially a Porto Boy Summer.

Knockout Stages - Round of 16

Germany vs France: FRA 3-2 GER

As someone with ancestors from both countries, this is a tough choice, but Mbappe actually consistently performs marvelously in the World Cup and does enough offensively to earn France a spot in the quarter finals.

South Korea vs Netherlands: NED 4-3 a.e.t.

The Son sets on what is likely a contender for game of the tournament.

Colombia vs Spain: ESP 3-0 COL

Another Spanish conquering of Latin Americans. Let’s hope there’s less disease, slavery, and rape this time.

Turkey vs Belgium: TUR 1-1 BEL Turkey advances on Penalties 5-4

Gobble gobble waffle fuckers!

Brazil vs Senegal: BRA 5-2 SEN

This will probably be one of those weird games where Brazil trails at halftime before remembering who they are and turning it up a level in the second half.

Mexico vs England: ENG 2-1 MEX

Mexico and the US going out at the same time feels right. It’s Coming Home Mojo Meter: Groovy Baby.

Argentina vs United States: ARG 4-1 USA

No executive order or modern gestapo will prevent this whooping. I imagine prior to it kicking off, USMNT fans will overhype their chances and laud Pochettino as the greatest of all time before theorizing his status as a homegrown double agent.

Egypt vs Portugal: POR 3-1 EGY

The pharaohs are officially mummified with a Porto Boy Summer eulogy.

Quarter Finals

France vs Netherlands: FRA 6-4 NED

Even non-soccer fans would enjoy this game. Although, I don’t think any sane person enjoyed the Penn State-Iowa game that ended 6-4 in football, so I could be wrong. Rest now, my sweet orange princes.

Spain vs Turkey: ESP 4-0 TUR

The Spaniards easily carve up the jive turkeys and send them packing.

Brazil vs England: ENG 4-2 BRA

This is the type of Tuchel result that gets the fans buzzing and Brazilians crying in the 40th minute. It’s Coming Home Mojo Meter: Yeah, Baby, Yeah

Argentina vs Portugal: POR 2-1 ARG

Messi will probably outperform Ronaldo, but Bruno Fernandes will outperform everyone on the pitch and wish Lionel the best of luck in the remainder of the MLS season.

Semi Finals 

France vs Spain: ESP 2-1 FRA a.e.t.

This game will deserve sixty more minutes than allotted, but the New York fans will appreciate getting to witness competent football at their stadium for the first time in ages.

England vs Portugal: POR 2-2 ENG Portugal advances on penalties 6-5

England probably redeemed themselves already on penalties in 2018, but Italy may have brought back the curse in 2021. It’s Coming Home Mojo Meter: How about NO

Final

Spain vs Portugal: POR 3-2 ESP

The Iberian Peninsula will never be the same. The sheer number of Nike commercials to commemorate Ronaldo going out on top would become maddening. Bruno seals the Golden Ball as the top player of the tournament with the winning goal in the 87th minute. Here’s to a Porto Boy Summer and an exciting tournament!