REVERSE THE CURSE! Bring back the Harrisburg Hammerheads!
In February of 1995, two seminal events transpired that would alter the future of Harrisburg region forever: the Continental Basketball Association, a men’s professional basketball minor league, expelled the city’s beloved Harrisburg Hammerheads as a franchise due to failure to meet financial obligations [1] and Ev Dog was conceived. Although some of you sickos may be more intrigued by the latter, the former’s short-lived history started a devastating decline for the city of Harrisburg.
Nine months prior in May of 1994, the team relocated from Rochester, Minnesota after a local businessman purchased the club’s rights. Unsurprisingly, the team nickname contest ended in a landslide as our ardent alliteration-adoring area overwhelmingly selected the Harrisburg Hammerheads as the new moniker. Due to poor marketing and leadership, the team’s inaugural season concluded before the squad could complete 60% of its schedule. The overzealous Hammerheads supporters, who consistently packed the Farm Show Complex with 1100 strong and electrified the players with their infectious energy to a 15-18 record with momentum shifting in a positive direction, were expectedly crestfallen by the news. History and the region may have forgotten about the Hammerheads’ lone season, but since their cessation, a curse of calamities, both of the city’s administration’s own doing and those of nature, continue to hinder Harrisburg’s future.
According to Madame Zehammaredheadoni, “You must bring back the Harrisburg Hammerheads, but if you forget about them, you and your city will be cursed for always and eternity!”
Since 1995, Pennsylvania’s capital has most notably endured a bridge collapse, an exodus of restaurants, bars, businesses, etc. from its downtown neighborhood, the beloved Broad Street Market burning down, an arson-fueled assassination attempt at the Governor’s Mansion, and either a daily dilemma or financial folly stemming from some mayoral mishap. (My favorite is the Wild West Museum that was intended to boost tourism in a city located in South Central Pennsylvania.)
Harrisburg’s Arthur Morgan strolling through the boarded-up section of 2nd Street.
If the money from taxpayers (and unused grant funding) is just going to end up being squandered on failed boondoggles and for legal fees to defend the mayor’s corrupt actions, why not waste it on something fun? The multidimensional Harrisburg Hammerheads could provide a source of winter entertainment that the area’s been lacking, unite the city across different generations, and lovingly save the prodigal Harrisburg son from its looming economic collapse. Now more than ever, it’s time to REVERSE THE Harrisburg CURSE! Bring the Hammerheads and city pride back to Harrisburg!
What’ll makes it easier is that I’ve already planned out key logistics.
League:
The NBA’s most prominent competitor in its history (not counting itself), the American Basketball Association AKA the ABA, reestablished as a league in the early 2000s and requires minimal effort to start a franchise with just the completion of a simple form. There is a Middletown-based team called the Central PA Kings on the Teams Page, but the Kings haven’t played a game since 2024 according to their schedule.
Stadium:
The PA Farm Show Complex – The original home of the Hammerheads was not well received by its original players as many felt like they were playing on dirt. To be fair, they were probably almost directly playing on the surface of the Equine Arena, so a move over to the New Holland Arena with an updated court may improve the effects of home court advantage. During the actual Farm Show the team could also wear a special overall alternate jersey!
Promo Nights:
We’d augment the standard minor league experience with the following promotional event to keep fans streaming through the gates:
Shark at the Park – No matter if it’s a tiger, whale, or great white, feel free to bring your finny friend to the arena with water tanks and chum available in the rotunda for your convenience.
Nurse Shark Appreciation Night – A night to honor the docile doll and overworked yet underappreciated healthcare worker of the sea!
Dollar Dugong Night – With food inflation constantly soaring, nothing beats the taste of a savory sea cow doused in ketchup and mustard at the reasonable price of just one clam.
I’d buy that for a dollar!
Fan Chants:
Let’s…Get…Hammered. Clap x5
Instead of the regular, old, trite DE-FENSE chant, our fans galvanize the home team as they defend their hoop with a crescendoing Jaws theme-inspired version of dunh! dunh! ... dunh! dunh! ... Dunh! Dunh! Dunh! Dunh! DUNHUNHUNH changed to de fense … de fense… De Fense! De Fense! DEFENSE!!!DEFENSE!!!DEFENSE!!!
In a same vein as English soccer fans yelling “WANKER” at rival players they detest for either their gifted abilities that heighten fan insecurities or just general douchebaggery and also at refs for questionable calls, we could yell “WHALER” for the industry that has a history of murdering innocent sharks.
Coach:
Chauncey Billups – Even though he may miss some nights in federal court to defend himself against the totally bogus wire fraud conspiracy and money laundering conspiracy charges for his alleged involvement in a mob-related gambling ring, I still trust the shrewdness of the coach indefinitely suspended from the NBA because of his impressive .356 winning percentage, a rate higher than the legendary Gregg Popovich’s winning percentage (over his last three seasons).
ROSTER:
Starting 5:
Center – Marcin Gortat: He’s been retired from the NBA for six years, but with a nickname like the Polish Hammer, he’s bound to rediscover his form quickly on a team named the Hammerheads. Compensation: $100,000 and a metric ton of pierogies.
Forward – Alyssa Thomas: What a homecoming it would be for the WNBA superstar! One of Harrisburg’s finest would get both the opportunity to represent her city and prove that women can compete with men on the court during the WNBA’s offseason.
Compensation: $85,000 (Hometown/gender wage gap inequality discount) and her own locker room
Forward – Tim Tebow: His ego will always be captivated by the idea of being a star athlete again, so it wouldn’t be super difficult to sell him on the prospect of joining the Hammerheads. Some may scoff at the idea of bringing in someone lacking professional basketball experience, but to his credit, freakish athletes are physical marvels that defy logic and the former NFL “quarterback” did play well in AA baseball during his endeavors of seeking glory on the diamond. Plus, he draws in a media circus that would increase attention and attendance for the team.
Compensation: $1,000,000 and a bible embossed with the Hammerhead logo
Guard – Lonnie Walker IV: The former Mr. Pennsylvania Basketball honoree and NBA player probably wouldn’t mind a return to his home state and an excuse to leave Tel Aviv.
Compensation: $60,000 and a souvenir Palestine snow globe with ash for him to shake if he ever gets homesick for the Middle East.
Guard – Ivan Gandia-Rosa: You may not be familiar with Iv Dog. (I wasn’t until I wrote this.) Howiver, the former Puerto Rican Olympian would allow our team to pander to one of the fastest-growing ethnic groups in our area and produce more authentic ads in español.
Compensation: $50,000 and a licensed stadium music package laden with Bad Bunny.
Bench – After scouring Cameo for a couple of minutes, I believe there are a few guys on the first couple of pages when the results are sorted low to high by price that would be willing to get some minutes on cheap deals. The remainder of the roster will be filled out with local legends from the courts of the area’s YMCAs that would be willing to just play for the love of the game.
Mascot:
Taylor Lautner: This opportunity would allow Taylor to return to his roots and reprise his role of Shark Boy from the hit movie Shark Boy & Lava Girl. According to IMDB, it doesn’t appear as though he’ll have many projects interfering with this role. More importantly, his 11.2 million followers would allow the team to tap into less conventional and still-obsessed-with-Twilight-in-2026 markets.
