Premier League 2026-2027 Predictions
In recent years, my knowledge of the Premier League squads has reduced dramatically as I’ve watched fewer games due to an occasional unwillingness to surrender to Peacock’s unreasonable higher-level subscription monetary demands required to watch live fixtures and a lack of playing the manager mode on the FIFA video games where I take a League One club to the top of the Champions League with pacey loanees from more established English clubs. Unlike Rob Reynolds and Rob Mac’s Disney Plus Disappointments, my teams actually got promoted to the top flight. Anywhoodles, this season, I plan on watching more of the world’s most popular soccer league and rediscovering the two salient functions that made me fall in love with it a dozen years ago: mild morning entertainment for my stimuli-seeking cerebrum that allows me to nurse a hangover and the opening act for a day full of American and English football. Given that I accurately predicted a team from the Iberian Peninsula would win the World Cup (LINK) earlier this summer, these prognostications will allow you to see next May’s final table nine months beforehand and avoid paying those NBC extortionists twelve bucks a month!
20. Hull City:
A relegation-bound team whose sole purpose is to be fodder for struggling teams desperately searching for positives in January.
19. Ipswich Town:
I feel like they’ll once again be that annoying team that steals a point or three from frustrated sides, but their lack of talent will see them return to their familiar Championship stomping grounds.
18. Leeds:
It’s been a difficult year for the working-class Whites around the globe but especially those in Leeds.
17. Nottingham Forest:
With a similar level of resilience to that of a cockroach or twinkie, they somehow survive again by the skin of their teeth.
16. Fulham:
Seven years ago, this would have been an interesting team with some of its squad’s names including Iwobi, Tete, and Leno, but through the leadership of their excessively English-named midfielder, Tom Cairney, the Cottagers stay up for another year.
15. Coventry City:
For better and worse, I think the Super Frank-led team will be the recently-promoted team that’s a fun watch because they’ll strive for wins instead of just aiming for a dull affair ending in a 0-0 or 1-1 draw.
14. Sunderland:
I swear on the ghosts of Gooch and Twatmore, this hurts me to predict. However, it’s undeniable that the addition of Euro League matches will fatigue the Black Cats’ paws.
You’ll be missed boys.
13. Bournemouth:
Cheers to the Cherries for an incredible season last year, but I think losing an impactful manager like Iraola will bomb the second half of their season as they compete further in Euro League and attempt to stay afloat domestically.
12. Crystal Palace:
Apparently, I have a kink for placing all the Europa League-qualified teams together on the lower half zone of the middle of the table. Nevertheless, the Eagles have survived proudly around this final spot for the last decade.
11. Everton:
A boring team that never lives up to its potential AKA the Everton way. Honestly, this is probably too high for them, but like a toddler learning how to swim, they won’t drown thanks to their always reliable Pickford-brand floaties.
10. Brighton:
These Seagulls always play above their weight, but I’m not sure if this flock has the depth required to finish in a higher final spot.
9. Tottenham:
I hate Spurs. I wanted to place them 11th, but I recognized my bias and bumped them up two spots.
8. Brentford:
Like Nic Cage said in the German dub of The Wicker Man, “Acht the bees!” Plus, I’m sure whoever’s playing forward for them will finish in the top three for scoring this season.
7. Newcastle:
With a recent surge in Saudi Arabian public executions relating to minor offenses like hashish smuggling, I think the Magpies ride a strong wave of momentum and surf their way to a solid bounce-back year.
6. Aston Villa:
Well, first of all, through God Ollie Watkins all things are possible, so jot that down.
5. Chelsea:
With the additions of Xabi Alonso as the new gaffer, players with significant experience in top leagues, and veteran leadership on the bench, I’m fairly optimistic about my Blues’ odds for earning a Champions League qualification spot. However, the lack of buy-in from a certain racist Argentinian midfielder and the deficiency of another forward who can finish consistently alarms me slightly. Truthfully, I’m hoping for a year that Chelsea can build off of going forward and actually retain their manager for multiple full seasons. For fans of most teams, this would be a small request, but in recent Chelsea FC, AKA Chaos FC, years, this would be like this year’s Hull City fans wishing to win the Premier League. Thanks to 2015-2016 Leicester City, anything’s possible, but the odds still feel like they’re 5000-1 for this simple demand to transpire.
4. Manchester City:
I wanted to place them below Chelsea because of that bald fraud snake Enzo Maresca, but Erling Haaland putting the team on his back to earn the golden boot and a top four spot feels inevitable.
3. Liverpool:
It feels bizarre to live in a post-Mo Salah Liverpool world. I don’t think they’ll be the Klopp-era dominant team they previously were over the past decade. I also don’t think they’ll be the dumpster fire of a team they were across the last season’s second half.
2. Arsenal:
I hate to admit it, but they were the best team last season primarily due to consistency they played with across the 38 games and deserved the title more than anyone else. Still, let’s hope VAR actually calls a few of those fouls this year! Now from a less-hater-centric angle, I still think with Arteta at the helm, they’ll be at or near the top throughout the season. However, I’m not sold on their roster and its incoming transfers having what it takes to repeat in boring fashion.
1. Manchester United:
Michael’s at the Wheel! Carrick’s boys will continue to grow and keep the ball rolling after last season’s late success. Maybe I’m just a Bruno Fernandes fan boy, but this season, I think he’ll win more silverware than just his second-straight Premier League Player of the Year award. While their attackers’ shooting ability feels like it can punish both indolent and tenacious defenders, what excites me most about them is their defense constructed predominantly with dudes featuring the Draymond Green-esque trait of hate them as opposition for their dirty-ass villainy, love them as our guy hustling and playing in a tough yet courageous manner to remind us that the game’s not gone.